There are many misconceptions about pornography in relation to healthy sexuality. We’re going to look at three major myths that parents and teens face in confronting compulsive pornography use. After learning these myths, you’ll be better prepared to help yourself and to help those who might be struggling with shame about pornography and sexuality.
Myth #1: If I am not watching pornography or having unsafe sex, then I am sexually healthy
For a long time, we’ve labeled ourselves and others as someone with a porn problem vs. someone who’s never looked at porn. We’ve divided ourselves into groups of “normal” people vs. “porn addicts.” It’s time to change this thinking. Our goal is to bring parents, teens, leaders, and anyone with a living breathing human body and get us all on the same team.
The Truth: We are all on a spectrum striving to be sexually healthy.
Let’s take a moment and talk about our physical health. Imagine for a second that we looked at it the same way as we do with pornography viewing habits.
“I don’t ever eat greasy foods, so I have nothing to worry about with my physical health.”
Or “I don’t drink alcohol, so I’m healthy.”
Physical health encompasses so much more than abstaining from one single thing. It requires regular exercise, a balanced diet, a good sleep schedule, and so much more depending on each individual’s circumstances. The same can be said for our mental and spiritual health, so why would sexual health be any different?
When we recognize that we are all on a spectrum of sexual health, suddenly it’s no longer us vs. them. It’s now “We’re in this together, we’re on the same team, and we’re striving for the same thing.”
The sooner we realize that we’re all imperfect, that we all struggle in different ways, that we all have insecurities, fears, misconceptions, and room to grow, then it brings us onto common ground and allows us to grow and connect in ways we couldn’t before.
Rather than running away from something, like pornography, we’re now moving towards something.
Examples of things that can keep us from being sexually healthy aren’t limited to compulsive pornography use. Things like shame and fear surrounding the topic of sex, a belief that sex is bad or evil, a lack of education regarding health & hygiene, and anatomy. All of these things can be signs that our sexual health is need of great improvement.
What is healthy sexuality?
So how can we be sexually healthy?
Kristin Hodson, a renowned sex therapist, gives the following values illustrated in the graphic below:
When considering each of these values in regards to your own healthy sexuality, a good place to start is by asking yourself two things:
- “How can I become more educated on this value?”
- “Do I have any feelings of shame or embarrassment about this topic?”
Each of these values can be a whole series of discussions! Are you covering all of them?
Becoming aware of our weaknesses is the first great step in working towards a continuing lifestyle of sexual health.
Speaking of shame and embarrassment, this brings us to:
Myth #2:. Sex is a topic that should only be discussed behind closed doors, if at all.
We don’t blame anyone for believing in this myth. It has been a product of our culture for hundreds of years.
However, the internet has not been a part of our culture for hundreds of years. We live in a very different world from what our parents grew up in.
Teens today are living in a different world than what teens lived in just ten years ago. Pornography is everywhere and it has changed society. If we wish to combat unhealthy sexuality, we have to learn about healthy sexuality, and it all starts with talking about it.
The Truth: Conversations about healthy sexuality should happen frequently and in a safe environment.
“The talk” is not effective. Even the very name and reference to this once in a lifetime event is dripping in shame and secrecy. We must be willing to have open discussions on sexual topics.
If you are afraid, ashamed, and uncomfortable to talk about sex in any capacity, ask yourself, “Why is that?” and then confront it.
If you are willing to confront your own shame, embarrassment, insecurity, or ignorance surrounding the topic of sex, then you can be a greater ally to those who are struggling with things like compulsive pornography use. This starts with being willing to talk about it at any given moment, and yes, it will be uncomfortable at first, but change is rarely ever comfortable.
Embrace the awkwardness and the more you practice the less awkward it will become.
Myth #3: Kids will learn about sex and sexual anatomy in health classes in high school.
This may be true to an extent, but the reality is kids are being exposed to pornography at a much earlier age than high school teens. According to an article by Fight The New Drug, on average, children are exposed to pornography as early as 8 years old. In that same article, they quoted a study reporting that 60% of high school aged students watch pornography in order to learn more about sex and to fill in gaps in their sexual education.
The truth is, parents must be the primary educator of sexual health.
We are all responsible for educating our children as well as expanding our own education. Remember this: Knowledge is power. By teaching your children healthy sexuality, by teaching them the names of their body parts, using correct terminology, and guiding them through the values of healthy sexuality, you are empowering your child to be in control of their own body.
One day, when I have a daughter and she’s learning to talk, I will teach her that she has two eyes, two hands, and a vulva. (If you’re wondering what a vulva is, it’s the external part of the female genitalia. It protects the reproductive organs.) Making this knowledge commonplace and immediately available helps eliminate shame or fear when they need to talk about it (for example, with their parents or a doctor if there’s a medical issue) and the embarrassment of being uninformed. Knowledge is power!
Use educational resources to learn the names of body parts and how those body parts work. Learn about the natural biological functions of your body and how your body holds the power to create life. Learn from trusted sources about the true nature of sex as opposed to the distorted objectification that pornography portrays. The more you know, the more prepared you’ll be to teach those around you.
Always use the proper terms when referring to genitalia, especially with young children. Using the term “private parts” may be appropriate in a select few cases, but the majority of the time, try to be as specific as possible so that your children will know what you’re talking about. Children, teens, and adults should be armed with the vocabulary to be able to express concerns about all parts of their bodies, and they can’t do that if they’re afraid to say the real name of those parts.
Finally, remember this: Parents, it’s never too late for you to start connecting with your teen. Teens, it’s never too late to start trusting your parents.
Our world has been bombarded by pornography and sexual exploitation. We’ve had to deal with struggles that our parents never imagined. You parents have had your own battle with not knowing how to protect or help your children. But through this struggle, you can become strong. You can become better connected. You and an entire generation can become champions of healthy sexuality. You can become more aware, more open, and more capable than ever before as you stop fearing and start living a life of healthy sexuality.
Cassandra Hulse shared this presentation at the Utah Coalition Against Pornography Conference in Salt Lake City in February 2019.
