This summer I traveled to the majestic (and sheep-inhabited) Emerald Isle. One of my favorite places in Ireland was the Cliffs of Moher, a craggy coastline rising 700 feet from the Atlantic Ocean. The Cliffs of Moher are a National Heritage Site, and sturdy walls keep visitors away from the edge.
But it’s a different story outside the protected site. A quick hop over some gorse led me and my friends to the wild edge of the cliffs, which was a bit more dangerous.
When I think of boundaries, I imagine the walls that kept visitors at the Cliffs of Moher safe. When we moved past those boundaries, we stepped into a danger zone.
Two kinds of boundaries that help recovery and relationships
Similarly, setting boundaries can help us stay safe in two ways:
- We can set our own boundaries to help us stay away from dangerous behavior like viewing pornography.
- We can set our own boundaries in order to ensure our physical and emotional safety while we support friends and loved ones who are struggling with pornography.
Related: A Story of Friendship and Recovery from Pornography Addiction
Protecting yourself from harmful influences and destructive behavior
Here’s some tips for boundaries that protect you from being in times, places, or situations where pornography and other damaging behaviors are easier to fall into.
- First, recognize what puts you over the edge and leads you to act inappropriately. Known as a “slippery slope,” these actions can break your boundaries and lead to viewing pornography or otherwise acting sexually inappropriately.
- There are many things that can put us over the edge: being with a certain person, doing a specific activity, or doing things at a vulnerable time. An example can be using your computer alone or going out late at night. Every person struggling with pornography has their own difficulties unique to them. Understanding yourself and what leads you to act inappropriately is the first step.
- After you recognize your personal slippery slopes, you can begin to define boundaries – the things you will not do because they weaken you, and the things you will do because they strengthen you.
- Connect with people who can help you— a counselor, friend, or partner. It doesn’t matter who they are, as long as you can be completely honest with them. It’s important to have these relationships of trust and support because you’re going against long-standing behaviors. Having someone you can check in with for support and help is vital.
Writing down your slippery slopes and communicating openly with your supporter about what makes you vulnerable is all part of setting boundaries. Once you start your journey, being accountable to your trusted friend or supporter can help you stay within your boundaries.
You can change with their support, but in the end everyone is responsible for their own recovery.
Boundaries when supporting a partner or friend
When you are a supporter, boundaries are about protecting yourself when someone else crosses your boundaries. By maintaining your personal boundaries, you can keep yourself healthy and safe, one of the first steps to helping wounds to heal.
Ultimately, boundaries are all about communication and staying true to yourself so that you can support other people effectively.
Even though it may be hard to carry out a boundary because you worry about how the other person will react, it can actually improve the relationship in the long run. Boundaries can reduce resentment and pain so that people can continue to communicate.
Amanda, a family counselor, likens a personal boundary to a simple “if, then” statement. She said,
“I like to think of boundaries as ways to respond positively to difficulties in a relationship. When you set boundaries, you are the actor. You can set boundaries about your own behavior when someone oversteps your personal boundaries or things that make you feel uncomfortable. But even though you’ve drawn a line, people still might not respect that line. You set your own boundary, not to control others’ behavior (even though sometimes you may want to do that), but to respond. ‘If’ your partner/friend behaves a certain way, ‘then’ you can choose your own reaction.”
This gives you power and increases healthy communication.
Some examples:
“If my spouse tells me that they have been looking at pornography, then I will take some time for myself in the other room until I am ready to talk openly.”
“If you choose not to seek help for your compulsive use of pornography, then I will not feel safe around you and I will need to move to a different situation.”
Related: 4 Tools for Strengthening a Relationship with a Spouse in Recovery
Remember what you can control: You!
“If/then” statements help you plan how you can respond to take care of you. Boundaries are not punishment or a way to control another person. You can’t control someone else, but you have the power to take action when your boundaries are crossed.
5 Steps to set relationship boundaries
We’ve talked a lot about what boundaries are, different things they can do, and how to recognize when we need boundaries. Let’s talk about how to make these boundaries!
- Timing is important. Setting boundaries before they’re crossed is crucial. If you don’t have a plan in place, you may react negatively. So, setting boundaries when you’re in a good place and can think through your options is the first step.
- Once you decide your boundaries, writing them down helps keep them in your mind. “I won’t feel comfortable if you do this, so if you do *insert behavior* I will respond in *this way*.”
- Sometimes you don’t know how you should react, or you don’t know how you will feel at the time. But following your boundary plan can help you recognize ways you do react and how well it worked out. Then you can adjust them for next time.
- Share your boundaries with your friend/ family member/partner. If it involves responding to their behavior, they need to know what to expect. Be clear and open. You can also share them with other people who are close to you and can help you stay on top of your boundaries.
- Remind your trusted people and your friend/partner/family member periodically of your boundaries to reinforce and remember them.
Related: Talking About Taking a Recovery Journey Together
Enforcing boundaries—persevering
Once you’ve set those boundaries, sticking to them is important for you to keep learning together. If your boundary is crossed, you can respond positively.
- Take a deep breath, remember your boundary, and decide to speak up for yourself.
- Remind your partner/friend/family member of your boundary and that your response is about your emotional and relational safety.
- Follow through with the action you committed to.
- Remind them that your boundary is in place until you feel safe again, and not for a set period of time. Boundaries are to protect yourself, not to change their behavior.
How boundaries can actually help relationships grow
Boundaries give you space to come into your own. They help decrease resentment and pain in relationships by allowing for open communication about how the situation affects both people.
Setting and respecting each other’s boundaries is one way to start overcoming problems in your relationship. It allows you to express your feelings openly. When you are listened to and respected, it can create more connection. That is the ultimate best way to return to a healthy, communication-filled relationship.
If your friend/partner/family member relapses, it’s not your fault. You can support them, and that is done best when you personally are in a good place.
Boundaries don’t guarantee that your loved one will change their behavior or respect you. They can always choose to be upset or continue their destructive behavior. In that case, boundaries help you stay safe. Ultimately, sometimes people need to leave a toxic relationship to protect themselves.
You’re not alone!
It can be difficult to regain trust and honesty in a relationship that pornography has affected, but openly communicating and seeking a good support system can help relationships grow again. You’re not alone—there are friends, family members, and supporters here for you. You can do it!
Further Reading
The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict by The Arbinger Institute
Boundaries series by Cloud and Townsend
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